Lolphins Fall to the Zig, Eliminated from Orcdidas

ORKLAND COLISEUM September 16, 2017 – A Middenheim Lolphins fan wearing a Black Zack the Traitor jersey wears a paper bag over his head as his team is defeated by a rookie chaos dwarf team  (Photo by JP Phlegm/Snotty Gobbo Images)


The Middenheim Lolphins were picked to drop the game 2-0 by the Rock Vagas odds makers despite their overwhelmingly large team value disparity.  It was exactly that disparity in team value that gave Lolphins fans a worry, because the inducements would come to play a big part in the game, and the Lolphins players skills were only marginally better than the rookie chaos dwarf team.

This would be the first contest without stars Matt Damon and Samuel L Jackson, who were both cut by the team earlier this week to save some Team Value.

Two big questions would play out during this game that would play a huge factor.  The first was the Lolphins trend at losing four to five players per game due to injury.  Middenheim lead the league in casualties inflicted upon and in casualties inflicted upon per game last season at 4.5.  The second issue that plagued the Lolphins is inconsistent contract holdout Nudumbakin Su.  The ogre averaged six contract disputes per game (an ogre should fail this roll 2.5 times per game on average).

If the Lolphins could clean both of these issues up and play some solid Blood Bowl, they had a shot at defeating the rookie team.

The first half of the ball game was tight.  The Lolphins kicked off to Zig and the chaos dwarfs slowly pushed forward toward the Lolphins endzone.  To Middenheim’s credit, the team bent but never broke.  The Zig stalled near the 25 yard line and pushed toward the sideline, but the tenacious Lolphins stayed on top of the bull centaur rusher.

With time expiring, the Zig were forced to try a string of 50/50 dice rolls with no rerolls available to them.  Needing three key one-dice blocks, a pair of dodge rolls, and a hand off and catch, the odds weren’t with them.

Thats when the Lolphins circus truck pulled into town and the clown-faced cheerleaders began singing the Middenheim fight song.  Inspired, Zig managed to succeed at every single one of those rolls with no-reroll in the final turn, going up 1-0 on the Lolphins at halftime.

Shaken but determined, the Lolphins came back from halftime read to go on offense and try to tie the game up.

It was here that longtime Lolphins writer Nick “Haha” Dixon noted that the Lolphins were getting ready to trademark their Lol.

“You suck you mother *******” a fan in an orange Black Zac the Traitor jersey screamed, throwing a rock and smashing Lolphins tackle Richmond Webb in the larynx.  The lineman went down, and medical personal rushed the field.  Webb was pronounced dead on the field but Lolphins apocathery Hannibal Lecter managed to revive the man on the sideline.

That was the beginning of the end for the Lolphins.  A tight first half was incredulous, and all of the bad thing that could happen began their train ride to hell for the team.

First the sprinkler system turned on.  Then a wizard threw a fireball onto the field, taking out Black Zack the traitor (and causing the Lolphins fans present to erupt into cheers and laughter) and sending him to the medical booth where he was done for the day.

All in all, the Lolphins picked up the ball and moved forward a bit before being stuffed by the Chaos Dwarf defense for the remainder of the half, while their players one by one were sent to the medical booth.

At the final whistle, seven Lolphins players were out of the game and hurt out of the twelve rostered players, exceeding their average of 4.5 by a hefty sum.

Nudumbakin Su played a solid first half, and then contract disputed five turns out of eight… effectively rendering him out of the game as well.  Nudumbakin Su played 32 turns of Blood Bowl and contract disputed 13 of those in the two games.  Thats well over a 1:3 chance of failure (whereas normal teams would endure it 1:6 times)

The Lolphins took their meager winnings home to Middenheim with them, where after selling their media team they purchased outright Trash Life Stadium for the upcoming 2018 season.

They have a long way to go if they want to challenge Dirty Skink and Jormangundr for the division title…

September 16, 2017 – Injured Lolphins players pose for the camera near their coach Burning Dumpster Fire